Can Tantrums Get in the Way of My Toddler Learning to Talk?

Tantrums are a natural part of toddlerhood. As parents, we often see a tantrum as an expression of frustration, and it is. But it's also a form of communication: "I'm angry." "I wanted that." "You're not doing what I want you to do."

To be clear, I'm talking specifically about tantrums that happen when a child isn't getting their way or wants something. I'm not talking about meltdowns from a toy breaking, dropping their ice cream, or grandma going home.

As an Early Childhood Interventionist, I have seen firsthand how some toddlers are using behavior as communication and how it is keeping them stuck from moving on towards using words. Let's start by looking at the development behind behavior as communication...

Understand Development: How Tantrums Become a Way to Communicate

When little ones have a tantrum because they want something, and we give them that something, we've just completed a circle of communication. They "asked," and we answered.

If that pattern continues (toddler wants something, I say no or don't know what it is, they scream, I give them something like an object, touch, or attention), we're reinforcing that way of communicating. Over time, it becomes a well-worn pathway in the brain. Remember, cells that fire together wire together.

In my video about brain development, I talked about the importance of repetition and the process of myelination and how it creates neural pathways. The key takeaway is that the more a pathway is used, the stronger and faster it gets. Screaming to get needs met is one super highway we don't want to build! I'll share some tips to help avoid that in a minute.

Understand Wiring: Why Angry Brains Don't Learn Well

An important thing to understand is that when toddlers are in the middle of a tantrum, their listening skills go out the window (not that those are so great at this age to begin with). Their brain is overloaded, and their nervous system is in full alarm mode.

That's why teaching and lecturing don't work. I've heard so many parents over the years try to talk their little one through it: "You need to calm down," or "Mommy will get it when you use your words." Talking at them in that moment doesn't calm their brain -- it just frustrates them more.

Think about when you're really angry and people are talking to you, telling you what to do, telling you to calm down. If you're anything like me, it usually just makes you angrier. Angry brains don't learn well. Getting our littles into a calmer state is what opens the door to learning.

So let's talk about what you can do to help work towards reducing tantrums so you can start getting to words.

Strategies: How to Help Your Toddler Use Words Instead of Tantrums

Stay calm and keep your words to a minimum. During the tantrum, stay close and keep your child safe, but skip the lecture. Fewer words help their brain settle. Use the calm-connect-correct method.

Don't hand over the thing because of the screaming. If you give it to them mid-tantrum, the tantrum "worked." Wait until they're calm.

Model the words once they're calm. Say what they wanted in simple words: "Juice. You want juice." Keep it short so it's easy to copy.

Accept any attempt to communicate. A word, a sound, a sign, pointing, or bringing you the cup all count. Respond quickly to these attempts so they learn this way works better than screaming.

Offer simple choices. Hold up two options and name them: "Apple or cracker?" This gives your child an easy way to tell you what they want.

Build the habit in calm moments. Practice requesting during play and snacks, when your child is relaxed and ready to learn.

If you have concerns about your child's speech or language, contact your local early intervention program.

The Bottom Line

To summarize, tantrums are a form of communication, and when screaming is what gets a toddler what they want, that pathway gets stronger every time it's used. During a tantrum, your child's brain is in full alarm mode, so teaching and lecturing don't work. Stay calm, keep your words to a minimum, and don't hand over the thing because of the screaming. Once they're calm, model simple words and respond quickly to any attempt to communicate, so they learn there's an easier way than screaming. This is how we teach them that words make their lives easier and that is some good motivation for a little one.

Quick Answers

Do tantrums cause speech delays? Tantrums are a form of communication, not a diagnosis. But when tantrums become the main way a child gets what they want, they can get in the way of practicing words. Helping your child find an easier way to communicate supports their language.

Should I talk to my toddler during a tantrum? Keep your words to a minimum. Stay close and keep them safe, then talk and model words once they've calmed down.

How do I get my toddler to use words instead of screaming? Wait for them to calm down, model the word simply, and respond quickly to any attempt to communicate, whether it's a word, sign, sound, or gesture.

Get My Free Tantrum Tamer Guide

For more on handling tantrums, download my free Tantrum Tamer Guide. It gives you simple steps to stay calm and help your child calm down, so learning can happen.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.