Why Won't My Toddler Sit Still? (What the Sensory System Has to Do With It)

If you have a toddler in your life, you know just what a puzzle they can be. I've met soooo many parents over the years who are overwhelmed or frustrated by their toddler's activity level or struggle with their limited attention (which is totally normal at this age). When we understand the "why" behind a behavior, it is so much easier for us to be solution focused.

So I want you to hear this: a toddler who is constantly running, climbing and crashing isn't trying to drive you crazy. Very often, their sensory system is telling them they need MORE input. And a toddler who screams at bath time or on the swing is often telling you they need LESS. Once you know which one you have, you can help them feel calm enough to focus and learn.

The Sensory System

Let's start by looking at the development behind all that movement. I'm sure you are familiar with the five senses (taste, touch, sight, smell and sound). What you may not be aware of is that there are two more senses: the vestibular sense and the proprioceptive sense. Here are the cliff notes on each:

• Both senses help us know where our body is in space and coordinate movement.
• The vestibular sense involves motion and balance, and has to do with our inner ear.
• The proprioceptive sense involves the input into our muscles and joints.

This is a VERY simple overview of two very complex and important systems, but it's enough to help you start to understand your toddler.

Sensory Seekers and Sensory Avoiders

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them. We all have different sensory preferences. For example, both of my kids like to listen to music while studying, whereas I must have silence when reading or I can't focus. My husband likes deep tissue massage, which I find painful. My sensory system prefers a lighter touch.

In my experience, we typically have three responses to sensory input: 1) sensory neutral, 2) sensory avoidant, or 3) sensory seeking. These responses can be different for each of the senses, and they can be affected by how often, how intense and how much input is coming in from all of the senses combined. Think of it as a continuum: some experiences fall in the middle, some on the high end and some on the low end. If your child struggles with sensory overload, I talk about sensory overload and meltdowns in one of my YouTube videos, which you can find here.

I want to focus on sensory seekers and sensory avoiders, because these are the two that parents of toddlers struggle the most to understand. I often hear parents say "I think my child has ADHD" or share their frustration that their child won't sit still. On the other hand, I have had many parents tell me their toddler hates bath time or won't go on swings and slides.

Sensory seekers need MORE input. Joey was a busy little two-year-old. When I went for my first home visit, he was running around the house in circles happily. Every so often he would run into the wall (on purpose) or into the couch before going back to do laps. Even when he was offered toys, he would stop for a moment and then quickly go back to running. Needless to say, his pregnant mom was overwhelmed and frustrated by his constant motion. He wouldn't sit for meals, was always climbing and jumping off furniture, and nap time? Forget about it.

Joey also had significant language delays. He had fewer than five words and wasn't yet able to identify pictures or follow simple directions. His mom thought he was just being difficult and didn't want to listen, but I knew better. He was a sensory seeker! He was seeking both motion (vestibular) and input (proprioceptive), and that constant need was getting in the way of his learning. I mean, how can a child slow down enough to engage with a communication partner if their brain is saying "move, move, move!"

THAT is what I want parents to understand. Sensory seekers aren't in constant motion because they want to drive us crazy. Their brain is telling their arms and legs that they need to FEEL more, and that leads to constant running, jumping and climbing. They aren't getting ENOUGH input.

Sensory avoiders need LESS input. Sensory avoiders experience some sensory information more INTENSELY than others, like my little friend Mary. She was a sweet, happy little girl who was content to sit in one spot on the floor and play with her toys. While she enjoyed being held and cuddled, she did NOT like tickle games or being swung or tossed in the air. Unlike her siblings, she screamed on the swing and during bath time. Her parents were loving and supportive but felt frustrated that nothing they did to calm and reassure her seemed to work. You see, she needed LESS input, and SLOWER input.

Mary had delays in her speech too. She was often in distress, which made it hard for her brain to focus on learning. I've said it before and I'll say it again: brains that are overwhelmed by emotions don't learn well.

Your own wiring matters here too. If you're anything like me and need quiet to focus, a toddler who is crashing into the couch all afternoon can push you to your limit fast. Knowing your own sensory preferences helps you notice when it's YOUR system that needs a break, so you can respond to your child from a calmer place.

Strategies: How to Help a Sensory Seeker or a Sensory Avoider

Here are some simple strategies you can build into your daily routines to give your toddler the right kind of input so they can focus, play and learn.

For sensory seekers:

• Think intensity, not just quantity. You are probably thinking what so many parents ask me: "How can my child need MORE movement when they are always moving?!" It's about the INTENSITY of the input, not necessarily the amount. Several robust bouts of heavy work throughout the day can lead to more calm periods in between. We call this a sensory diet.
• Get them huffing and puffing. "Huffing and puffing" is my litmus test for whether we've hit the intensity a sensory seeker needs, so their brain can say "All right, I'm good!" Running, jumping, pushing and pulling all count.
• Move before you ask them to sit. When I provided social work support to a school-based preschool program for children with delays, the teacher would take the kids to the gym and have them hustle for a good 20 minutes. She had them jump across the gym, slither across the gym, hop across the gym... the kids LOVED it! And what a great way to work on following directions. When we went back to the classroom for story time, most of the kids were able to sit for 10 to 15 minutes and take part in circle time.
• Give extra support during sitting times. In that same classroom, the kids who still had the wiggles sat in "boats" (Rubbermaid tubs) during story time or held weighted animals.
• Use their movement as a cue. This is what we did with Joey. We created a sensory diet together that included lots of running, jumping, pushing and pulling. When his mom saw him running laps, she took it as a cue that his body wanted input and picked an activity from his list. Over time, Joey's ability to sit and engage in play grew and grew, and so did his language, because he could now stay engaged with a communication partner long enough to learn.

For sensory avoiders:

• Go VERY slowly and follow their lead. Sensory avoiders are often bright, cautious observers who watch everyone around them closely. This was certainly true of Mary, so everything we tried with her was done step by step.
• Break it into tiny steps. We helped Mary get used to the swing by having her just sit on her mom's lap on the swing without moving. Once she was comfortable, her mom would swing ever so slightly, following Mary's cues for when she'd had enough. Over time, she was able to swing faster and higher on her mom's lap, and eventually she felt comfortable enough to swing on her own.
• Help them feel calm first, then teach. Once Mary felt calmer and more confident during movement activities, she was able to focus on us as play and communication partners, and her language took off quickly after that.

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

If you are looking for more hands-on, specific strategies, check out my e-book Sensory Strategies for Little Learners. In it, I share strategies for sensory seekers, sensory avoiders, and toddlers who struggle with motor planning (you can learn more about motor planning here). I break the strategies down by daily routine (like mealtime strategies for sensory seekers and bath time strategies for sensory avoiders), and I include ways to build language into each one because, hey, why not work on talking at the same time, right?!

The Bottom Line

A toddler who won't sit still is often a sensory seeker whose brain is asking for MORE input, while a toddler who screams on the swing or in the bath is often a sensory avoider who needs LESS. Both can make it hard for little ones to slow down, engage and learn. Intense heavy work for seekers, and a slow, step-by-step approach that follows the lead of avoiders, can help their bodies feel ready to focus. As you meet your child's sensory needs with time and patience, most little ones adjust and outgrow this need, and THAT is when the learning really takes off.

Quick Answers

Why won't my toddler sit still? Many toddlers who are always on the go are sensory seekers. Their brain is asking for more intense movement and input, so they run, jump and climb to get it.

What is a sensory diet for toddlers? A sensory diet is a plan of activities that give your child the input their body needs throughout the day. For a sensory seeker, that means several bouts of heavy work like running, jumping, pushing and pulling until they are huffing and puffing.

Why does my toddler hate the swing or bath time? Your child may be a sensory avoider who experiences movement or water more intensely than others. Go very slowly, start with tiny steps like sitting on your lap on a still swing, and follow their cues.

If big feelings and meltdowns are part of your days, download my free Tantrum Tamer Guide.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.