Why Are the Terrible Twos So Hard? (And How to Handle Your 2-Year-Old's Behavior)

The terrible twos. Ever wondered where that label came from? If you have a two-year-old, I'm guessing you already know. They are bossy, impatient, into everything and demanding. Despite this, I find two-year-olds absolutely delightful! They are spirited adventurers and masters of persistence. During my many years as a home visitor, I have met many two-year-olds who clearly ruled the roost. I mean, if you really think about it, how is it that such a little person with so little world experience can drive grown adults to the point of pulling their hair out?

What I want you to know is this: the terrible twos are hard because your two-year-old is working on some BIG, complex emotional skills all at once. Understanding what is going on developmentally won't make those challenging behaviors disappear (unfortunately, there is no magic wand!), but it can make them a little easier to handle.

What's Going On at Age Two

Let's start by looking at the development behind those two-year-old behaviors. There are three big things going on.

Egocentrism (otherwise known as the "mine" stage). Two-year-olds are egocentric in their thinking. This means they are not yet able to understand the world from someone else's perspective. They believe the world revolves around them. There is a great t-shirt out there with the creed of the two-year-old: "What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine." That totally sums up their view of the world. Given this, is it any wonder they become so indignant when we get in the way of what they want? So when your toddler hits you, be patient. They do not yet have the ability to understand that they are hurting you or your feelings.

Separation and individuation. Your two-year-old is going through the very important stage of separation and individuation. He is learning where you end and where he begins. He is showing an increasing streak of independence and a desire to explore his world. He is more likely to explore new places when you are there, but he still looks to you and needs reassurance.

One word sums up this process: ambivalence. Two-year-olds have conflicting feelings of wanting to be away from you while knowing they still need you. The result? TANTRUMS! They are inexperienced at feeling two very opposite emotions, and it takes time and practice to master this skill. For example, let's say your toddler sees someone with a cookie and, of course, he wants one too. You say "no" and he immediately goes into a tantrum. He is not only wrestling with not getting the cookie, but also trying to figure out how he can be so mad at his mom and love her too. Pretty complex stuff when you think about it from his perspective.

Negativity (otherwise known as the "no" stage). Ah yes, one of the hallmark signs of a two-year-old. Even our best attempts to avoid the word "no" don't keep our little ones from saying it. Have you ever asked your two-year-old a question only to hear "no" when you know he meant "yes"? Their little brains are wired to say "no," and they can be quite persistent when they are trying to get something they want. That can be really challenging as a parent, can't it?

Your Child's Temperament and Your Own

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them. Every two-year-old goes through these stages, but temperament shapes how BIG they look. A more intense or less adaptable child may have louder, longer tantrums, while a more flexible child may move through this stage more quietly. You can learn more about the nine traits of temperament in my post on child temperament.

Our own wiring matters too. Hearing "no!" over and over all day can leave even the calmest parent feeling triggered and ready to snap. Noticing that in yourself, and taking a breath before you respond, makes it so much easier to guide your child through this stage.

Strategies: What to Do During the Terrible Twos

So let's talk about what you can do. Here are some simple strategies you can use throughout your day to cut down on power struggles and help your two-year-old through this stage.

• Give lots of choices throughout the day. For example: "Do you want juice or milk?" "Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?" "Do you want to play on the swing or the slide?" Make sure both choices are something you can live with. You probably wouldn't offer ice cream or a banana for a snack (unless you are okay with him having ice cream!). By offering choices, you are sharing control with your child, which can help decrease his need to seek it out in other ways. If he wants something other than the two choices, you can say something like, "Nice try, but that wasn't one of the choices. Do you want A or B?" If he doesn't choose, you choose for him. He will quickly learn that it is in his best interest to speak up.
• Don't feed the tantrum. Kids will take whatever attention they can get, negative or positive. During a tantrum, stay calm and close by, keep your words few, and avoid lecturing, negotiating or giving in. I see parents do this all the time when their toddler melts down, and unfortunately it can accidentally reinforce the behavior. When your child is calm again, that is the time to reconnect and talk about what happened. For more on handling tantrums, download my free Tantrum Tamer Guide (link below).
• Be patient and understanding. Two is a hard age, and your little one doesn't yet have the vocabulary or life experience to make good choices. Your gentle, empathetic guidance and good modeling will help him navigate this stage.
• Catch them being good! It is so easy to focus on the negative behaviors, but positive praise is like putting money in the bank of self-esteem.

One more thing to consider: your child will go through separation and individuation again as a teenager. How you navigate this stage with your toddler can have a big impact on how he goes through it as an adolescent. Another reason to figure them out now!

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

For more help with tantrums and big feelings, download my free Tantrum Tamer Guide.

The Bottom Line

The terrible twos are hard because two-year-olds are working through egocentrism, separation and individuation, and the "no" stage, all at the same time. Your child's temperament can make these stages look bigger or smaller, and your own calm makes a big difference in how you respond. Offering choices, not feeding tantrums with attention, and catching your child being good can go a long way. With patience and consistency, your gentle guidance now will help your little one learn to handle those big feelings, and that is a gift that lasts well beyond age two.

Quick Answers

Why is my 2-year-old so defiant? Two-year-olds are learning that they are separate from you, and saying "no" is part of that. Their brains are wired for it at this age, so it's a normal part of development.

Why does my 2-year-old say "mine" all the time? Two-year-olds are egocentric, which means they can't yet see the world from someone else's point of view. To them, the world really does revolve around them.

How do I handle terrible twos tantrums? Stay calm and close, keep your words few, and don't give extra attention or give in during the tantrum. Once your child is calm, reconnect and talk about what happened.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.