What's My Parenting Style? (And How It Affects My Child)

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on my own journey as a parent. While each stage has its own challenges, I think the early years were the hardest for me.

I had strong opinions about parenting and believed I knew what I was doing (you know, because I read some books ha ha!). I went in thinking I was going to lay down the law and my tiny humans would fall into line. I was sure that, because of my strong and decisive leadership, they would grow up to be amazing humans (which they did, by the way, but not without MANY mistakes on my part along the way).

You see, I started out as a drill sergeant parent. I don't quite know how, as that wasn't how I was raised, but for whatever reason, I felt it was my job to tell my kids what to do. That backfired, of course, because my tiny humans had other plans.

So what I want you to know is this: your parenting style matters, because the way you respond to your child day in and day out shapes your relationship and how they grow. And the good news? Your style isn't set in stone. If what you're doing isn't working, you can change it. I did.

The Main Parenting Styles

Let's start by looking at the parenting styles researchers talk about most. Psychologist Diana Baumrind described three main styles, and a fourth was added later:

• Authoritarian (the drill sergeant). Lots of rules and high expectations, with less warmth and little room for the child's voice. This is where I started (I like to think I had some warmth though)!
• Permissive. Lots of warmth, but few limits or expectations.
• Authoritative. Warmth AND clear, consistent limits. The parent is in charge, but listens and explains.
• Uninvolved. Few limits and little warmth or involvement.

Research on these styles generally links the authoritative style (warm and firm) with the best long-term outcomes for children. In my YouTube video, I talk more about what the research says about the long-term impact each style can have on our children. Identifying your own parenting style and knowing that long-term impact may do for you what it did for me: it made me realize I needed to find a better way.

Your Child's Temperament and Your Own

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them. My kids came with their own free will and independence, and no amount of drill sergeant parenting was going to change that! A style that clashes with your child's temperament usually leads to more power struggles, not fewer. I talk more about temperament in this YouTube video.

Our own wiring matters too. The way we were raised, our own temperament and how our nervous system reacts under stress all shape the way we parent, especially in the hard moments. As frustrated as my kids' independence made me at the time (actually, it shook my belief in my ability to be a good parent), I look back and am soooo glad they challenged me. It was really hard at the time, but I came out better, stronger, wiser and more confident in my parenting in the end. If you are struggling the way I did, hear this: through challenge comes growth.

Strategies: How to Find a Parenting Style That Works

So let's talk about what you can do. Here are some simple steps to help you move toward a style that fits you, your child and the relationship you want.

• Picture the relationship you want. I knew what I wanted my relationship with my kids to look like, and what I was doing at the time was most certainly not going to get me there. Start there.
• Get honest about your current style. Look at the styles above and ask yourself which one sounds most like you on a hard day, not just a good day.
• Aim for warm AND firm. Keep your limits clear and consistent, and pair them with warmth, listening and connection.
• Notice your own triggers. When you feel yourself slipping into drill sergeant mode (or giving in just to make it stop), pause and take a breath before you respond.
• Lean on people who have been there. Through lots of trial and error, tears on my pillow and long venting sessions with close friends who had already been there and done that, I found my parenting mojo. And I want you to know that you can too.
• Give yourself grace. Changing your parenting style takes time and practice. Mistakes along the way are part of it.

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

For simple tools to handle the hard moments, download my free Tantrum Tamer Guide.

The Bottom Line

Your parenting style is the way you guide and respond to your child day to day, and research generally points to warm, firm parenting as the healthiest for kids. Your child's temperament and your own upbringing and stress responses shape how you parent, which is why one style doesn't fit everyone. Getting clear on the relationship you want, aiming for warmth with clear limits, and noticing your own triggers can help you shift your style. Through challenge comes growth, and you've got this!

Quick Answers

What are the four parenting styles? The four styles researchers describe are authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and uninvolved. They differ in how much warmth and how many limits a parent offers.

Which parenting style is best for toddlers? Research generally links the authoritative style, which combines warmth with clear, consistent limits, with the best long-term outcomes for children.

Can I change my parenting style? Yes. Your parenting style isn't set in stone. With reflection, support and practice, you can move toward a style that fits the relationship you want with your child.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.