How Do I Prepare My Toddler for a New Baby? (Before and After Baby Arrives)

Adding a new baby to the family is a big deal for all of you, especially your toddler. I get asked ALL the time how to get a toddler ready for a new brother or sister. And I remember that juggle well: I had two kids and worked full-time, too!

So here's what I want you to know: the best way to prepare your toddler for a new baby is to start early and teach through play. Practice gentle "nice hands" with baby dolls, read books about new babies and practice waiting. Then, once the baby comes home, protect one-on-one time with your toddler and find simple ways to include them. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of medicine!

Let's start by looking at the development behind why this transition is so hard for little ones.

Why a New Baby Is Such a Big Change for Toddlers

Look at it from your toddler's perspective: they have gone from being the center of your universe to being an outlying planet, right? This is a major shift and very, very confusing for them. It's going to take time for them to understand what it means to be a sibling, not to mention what their new role means in relation to you.

Toddlers are also still learning how their bodies impact other people. They don't have the ability to have malicious intent yet, so they don't realize that some of their touches can hurt. That is why we need to be their coach and teacher, showing them what gentle touch looks like over and over.

And young children learn best through play. Play is how they practice new skills and how they work out big feelings. Pretend play with baby dolls builds language, problem solving and fine motor skills and, most importantly for this discussion, empathy and nurturing skills. Their play with dolls provides the foundation for them to grow into loving and nurturing big siblings (and someday, parents themselves).

Busy Bodies, Big Feelings and the Need for Control

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them.

Busy, sensory-seeking bodies. Toddlers are busy! Many get rambunctious and want to roughhouse with us, often right when we're holding the baby. Kids who seek a lot of movement and pressure need big doses of heavy work so they can control their bodies and be gentle with their new sibling.

Temperament. Some toddlers can't wait to hold the baby. Others want nothing to do with that baby doll, the books or their new sibling. Both are okay! Follow your child's lead. If they push it away, honor that communication and try again later. Nothing turns a toddler off more than a parent who doesn't follow their lead.

The need for control. With a new baby taking up so much of mom and dad's time and energy, toddlers often feel like they've lost control. When they don't get to feel in charge in healthy ways, they will try to find control in other ways, like tantrums and power struggles.

Your nervous system. Let's be honest: with a newborn, you are running on very little sleep. When our wells are empty, it's harder to respond calmly to a toddler who is struggling. Being patient with yourself is part of being patient with them.

So let's talk about what you can do.

Strategies: How to Prepare Your Toddler Before the Baby Arrives

My biggest tip is to start your preparation sooner rather than later. The earlier you start, the easier the transition will be for your child. Here are some simple strategies you can incorporate into daily routines and playtime before the baby arrives:

1. Model caring for babies during play. Get your toddler a baby doll set with all the accessories: bottles, blankets, diapers and all the things. Model how we interact with babies during play. Talk about feeding and sleeping and all the different things they will see their new sibling doing, as well as how you keep the baby safe and cared for. Now, I know there are some parents out there who don't want their son playing with baby dolls. If that is you, I encourage you to set those feelings aside and allow your child to do this. You want your son to build a great relationship with his new sibling, and children practice and master these skills through play.
2. Bring baby play into daily routines. Your toddler's new sibling is going to be part of every daily routine, so bring the baby doll into those routines now. Have the doll join bath time and encourage your child to wash it. Have the baby join breakfast and dinner so your toddler can feed it and give it drinks. Mama and baby animal figurines like these are another great way to talk about babies. Model putting the baby cow to bed, showing how the mama cow is gentle, calm and loving. And remember, if your toddler wants nothing to do with the baby doll, follow their lead and try again later.
3. Teach "nice hands." Pick a phrase you feel comfortable with and stick with it, because repetition is important for young kids! Some parents use "nice hands," "kind hands" or "gentle." I personally like "nice hands" because I think "nice" is easier for young kids to understand. During play with baby dolls, teddy bears or farm animals, narrate it: "Look at the nice hands you're using with your baby doll! You're such a good daddy!" Point it out in your own interactions too: "Look, mama is using nice hands while she's washing you" or "Daddy is using nice hands while hugging me!" Point it out with family, friends, characters on TV and in stories.
4. Gently point out when it's not nice hands. Help them understand the difference: "Oh, those are not nice hands. That hurts the doggy. Let's try again with nice hands; mama will help you." Say it in a calm, assertive way. Our goal is not to shame or embarrass but to help them understand. I like to use "too much" or "no thank you" while making a sour face or shaking my head. Never underestimate the power of body language! If they pause, I say "Okay, let's try that again!"
5. Read books about welcoming a new baby. Here are some of my favorites: Peekaboo Baby Faces, Waiting for Baby and My New Baby. Add them to your daily reading routine, always following your child's lead. If they don't want to read the book, that's okay.
6. Point out babies everywhere. Notice babies in cartoons, books and at the grocery store. If friends or family have an infant, schedule a visit and encourage your little one to interact while you closely supervise and keep modeling nice hands.
7. Give hands-on practice. I know some of us get nervous with our rambunctious kids around babies. Use hand-over-hand help as your child touches the baby, saying "Mama will help you with nice hands" as you guide their hand to pat the baby's head or stroke a cheek. And give lots of positive feedback whenever you see nice hands, whether with their doll or the cat: "Look at you using your nice hands. The cat loves it so much!" Always take those opportunities to fill their bucket.
8. Practice waiting. Waiting is not one of a toddler's favorite things, but there will be moments when you can't do what they want right when they want it. Find a repetitive phrase and use it EVERY time. I like counting: "Mama will be with you in five," counting slowly. Even young toddlers start to grasp that when they hear the last number, mom will help them. Avoid time words like "5 minutes"; kids don't REALLY understand time concepts until first grade! Get your toddler involved: "Let's count together. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Okay, all done. How can I help you?" Need more time? Count to 10 or 20! Make it fun by having them jump on each number. Hold up a finger as a visual cue, too.
9. Have a busy box or finger fidgets ready. If counting isn't cutting it, a few novel items saved for diaper changes or feedings can keep your toddler busy so you can finish with less fuss.
10. Use a visual picture schedule. Visual schedules and routines make kids feel safe. When the baby comes, everything will feel different to your little one, and a visual picture schedule helps them see that their day has stayed the same. After the baby comes, you can even add a picture for one-on-one time with you while the baby sleeps. You can learn more about visual picture schedules here.

Strategies: How to Help Your Toddler After the Baby Comes Home

The work is certainly not done once the baby arrives! Here are some simple strategies to help your little one adjust once the baby is home:

1. Increase one-on-one time. No ifs, ands or buts: your toddler is going to need more of you during this transition. I know time is at a premium, but it's essential to have several 25- to 30-minute sessions a day where your little one gets your undivided attention. I usually suggest at least two hours a day of one-on-one time. I know that sounds really hard to do! I get it! But it's soooo important. If you have a partner, split the one-on-one time between the two of you. I know it's tempting to catch up on housework while the baby naps, but I want you to hear this loud and clear: spending that time with your toddler will prevent so many difficult behaviors. Make it DISTRACTION FREE, meaning no phones or screens.
2. Let them be the boss in play. During one-on-one play, let your toddler have control, something they often feel deprived of with the new addition. Avoid being directive. Ask questions like "What do you want me to do with the car? What color crayon should I use? Should I put this block here or over here?" Children who get control during play are less likely to look for it in other ways, like tantrums.
3. Don't judge what you see in play. Kids work out their stress in play, so don't be alarmed by bossy or aggressive play. Saying "this baby's naughty" while pretending to spank the baby (even if you've never done that in your house) is a natural way kids work out their feelings. Instead of "That's not nice," interpret and clarify what you see: "You look really mad at that baby." This lets them know their feelings are okay and safe to share with you, which helps them learn to regulate those feelings down the road.
4. Include them in caring for the baby. With your support, your toddler can help with feeding, tucking the baby in, diaper changes and more. Including them helps them feel seen and heard rather than like an outsider. Help them hold the bottle while reinforcing nice hands. If they don't want to hold their sibling, get out their baby doll: "It's time to feed the baby. Go get your baby and I'll get sissy and let's get to work." Sit side by side feeding the babies and ask questions like "Is your bottle warm enough? Do you think she's full?" It's also a great chance to work on language and following directions. Not into that either? Have them sing to the baby during feedings, read a story during bath time or show the baby three favorite toys during diaper changes. And if they'd rather go off and do their own thing, that's fine too.
5. Wear the baby! I am blown away by the slings available now. Where were they when my kids were little? Babywearing is a win-win: your baby stays close and secure, and your hands are free to play with your toddler.
6. Share control with choices. One of my all-time favorite toddler strategies is giving choices throughout the day about things you really don't care about: "Red socks or blue socks? Spoon or fork? Napkin or paper towel?" You get the picture. Kids who get frequent choices are less likely to have tantrums, meltdowns and power struggles. Start this before the baby arrives, too!
7. Use the power of heavy work. Give your toddler lots of sensory input through heavy work: get outside, run around the yard, climb up and down the slide or jump on the trampoline. Big doses of heavy work throughout the day help them control their bodies and be gentle with their new sibling. I have a whole video on sensory seekers that you can watch here.
8. Be patient. This is a huge change for your little one, and it takes time. Be patient and encouraging, with them and with yourself. Remember, you've got this!

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

If the new-baby transition is bringing more tantrums and meltdowns, grab my free Tantrum Tamer Guide. It walks you through what to do in the moment.

The Bottom Line

A new baby is a huge shift for a toddler who has gone from the center of your universe to sharing you, and they are still learning how their bodies and feelings affect others. Busy, sensory-seeking toddlers need plenty of heavy work, and every toddler needs to feel some control and connection during this change. Start early with baby doll play, nice hands, books and practicing waiting, then protect one-on-one time and include them in caring for the baby once they arrive. With time, patience and lots of connection, your toddler will grow into the loving big sibling role.

Quick Answers

When should I start preparing my toddler for a new baby? Sooner rather than later. The earlier you start with baby doll play, books and practicing nice hands, the easier the transition tends to be.

Is it normal for my toddler's behavior to change after the baby comes? Yes. It's a big, confusing change for a toddler. Extra one-on-one time, choices and heavy work can help prevent many of those difficult behaviors.

What if my toddler wants nothing to do with the baby? That's okay. Follow their lead, keep offering small, low-pressure ways to be involved and give them lots of one-on-one time with you.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.