Why Doesn't My Toddler Copy What I Do? (How Imitation Leads to Words)

There are five foundational language skills toddlers need before they start talking, and in this post I want to focus on one of them: imitation. It is estimated that 85% of toddlers with speech delays are lacking this skill, so if your little one isn't talking yet, this is an important one to look at.

So here's what I want you to know: before toddlers copy our words, they need to be able to copy our actions and sounds. If your toddler isn't copying you yet, that's an important clue, and the good news is that imitation can be taught through everyday play.

What Is Imitation?

Let's start by looking at the development behind imitation. Imitation is when a child copies what someone else does or says. It is how toddlers learn so many things: how to wave bye-bye, how to stack a block, how to stir a pretend pot of soup and, eventually, how to say words.

Imitation usually builds in this order:

1. Imitating gestures (clapping, waving, patting your head)
2. Imitating gestures with sounds ("boom!" while you bang the table)
3. Imitating gestures with words ("up" while raising their arms to be lifted)

Gestures are a bridge to words. When a toddler can copy a gesture, we can start pairing a sound with it, and then a word. Imitation is one of the five foundational skills I talk about in Why Isn't My Toddler Talking Yet? (5 Skills They Need First). It works hand in hand with another one of those skills, initiation.

Why Some Toddlers Won't Copy You

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them.

• Toddlers with a high need for control are often less willing to imitate. Copying someone else means following their lead, and that can feel like giving up control.
• Cautious or slow-to-warm toddlers may watch for a long time before they try. That watching is learning, so keep showing them.
• Sensory-seeking toddlers often jump right in when an action is big, like stomping, jumping or banging a drum.
• Toddlers who are sensitive to noise or touch may pull away from loud, fast games but join in when you go softer and slower.

Our own wiring matters too. When we really want our child to do something, it's natural to push a little harder. Toddlers feel that pressure, and many resist it. The more playful and low-pressure we keep it, the more likely they are to join in.

Strategies: How to Get Your Toddler Imitating

Here are some simple strategies you can incorporate into daily routines and playtime to build imitation:

• Copy them first. If your child bangs a toy, bang yours too. Imitating them turns it into a game and shows them how the back-and-forth works.
• Start with big, simple gestures. Clapping, waving and arms up are easier for little ones to see and copy than small, quick movements.
• Use songs with actions. Repetition helps toddlers know what's coming, which makes it easier to join in. My favorite is Bam Sam Sam, and you can watch me sing it in my YouTube video.
• Add a sound to the action. Once your child copies a gesture, pair it with a fun sound, like "boom!" when the blocks fall or "wheee!" on the slide.
• Pause and wait. Stop right before a gesture or sound and give your child a few seconds to fill it in.
• Ask, don't tell. Try "Can you clap?" instead of "Clap!" Little kids are all about power, and telling them to do something is a quick way to get the opposite.
• Celebrate any attempt. A half clap or a sound that's close counts! Keep it fun so they want to keep trying.

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

If your toddler isn't talking yet and you want a place to start at home, my 5 Steps to Talking mini-course walks you through the first steps, one at a time.

If you have concerns about your child's speech or language development, reach out to your local early intervention program. You can find your state's program here.

The Bottom Line

Imitation is one of the five foundational language skills, and toddlers need to copy our actions and sounds before they can copy our words. It usually builds from gestures, to gestures with sounds, to gestures with words. Toddlers with a high need for control, cautious temperaments or sensitive sensory systems may resist copying when it feels like pressure. Copying them first, using songs with actions and waiting for their turn makes imitation feel like play. When copying you becomes the fun part of their day, THAT is how we build the motivation for them to keep trying.

Quick Answers

Why doesn't my toddler copy what I do? Some toddlers have a high need for control, are cautious, or feel pressure when we ask them to copy. Keeping it playful and copying them first usually helps.

What should my toddler imitate first? Start with big gestures, like clapping or waving. Then add a sound to the gesture, and eventually a word.

Is imitation important for talking? Yes. Imitation is one of the five foundational skills that come before words. Toddlers need to copy actions and sounds before they copy words.

Want to know what to look for at each age? Grab my free Speech Milestones Checklist.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.