How Do I Get My Toddler to Engage With Me? (The First Skill Before Words)

When parents ask me how to get their toddler talking, they're usually hoping for a list of words to practice. But before we can get to words, there are foundational skills that need to be in place first, and engagement is one of the very first.

So what I want you to know is this: if your toddler is hard to engage, that's where we start. When a child is paying attention to you and sharing attention with you, every other language skill has something to build on.

What Is Engagement?

Let's start by looking at the development behind engagement. Engagement means your child is paying attention to you and sharing attention with you during play. I look at it in three ways:

• Engaged with their environment: noticing what's around them, like a fire engine going by.
• Engaged with objects: playing with toys and exploring things.
• Engaged with people: looking at you, smiling, reaching for you, and wanting you in their play.

That last one is where language really grows. Words are social. Toddlers learn them by watching our faces, hearing our voices and connecting what we say to what's happening between us. Engagement is the first of the five foundational skills I talk about in Why Isn't My Toddler Talking Yet? (5 Skills They Need First).

Why Some Toddlers Are Harder to Engage

It's equally important to understand our children's unique wiring (how they experience the world), because it can help us identify the best way to teach them.

• Sensory-seeking toddlers are often on the move, climbing, crashing and running from one thing to the next. It can be hard to get them to stay with us, but they often light up with movement games like chase, swinging or bouncing.
• Sensitive toddlers may pull away when a room is loud, busy or bright. A quieter space and a calmer voice can help them stay with you longer.
• Slow-to-warm toddlers need time to watch before they join in. Pushing too fast can make them retreat.

Our own nervous system matters too. When we're tired, rushed or overwhelmed, our energy can swing way up or way down, and toddlers notice that. When we slow down and match their energy, they're much more likely to engage with us.

Strategies: How to Build Engagement at Home

Here are some simple strategies you can incorporate into daily routines and playtime to build engagement:

• Get face to face. Get down on your child's level. It's much easier to engage when you're at eye level.
• Follow their lead. Join in with whatever your child is already interested in, even if it's lining up cars or opening and closing a door.
• Become part of the fun. Play people games that need you, like peekaboo, tickles, chase and "ready, set, go!"
• Be animated. Use big facial expressions and a playful voice. You need to be the most interesting toy in the room!
• Cut down on background noise. Turn off the TV during playtime so your child can focus on you.
• Keep it short and sweet. A few minutes of real connection several times a day goes a long way.

I go more in depth on this topic in my YouTube video. You can watch it here.

If your toddler isn't talking yet and you want a place to start at home, my 5 Steps to Talking mini-course walks you through the first steps, one at a time.

If you have concerns about your child's speech or language development, reach out to your local early intervention program. You can find your state's program here.

The Bottom Line

Engagement is one of the first skills children need before words: paying attention to and sharing attention with their environment, objects and, most of all, people. A child's sensory needs and temperament can make engagement easier or harder, and so can our own energy. Getting face to face, following their lead and playing people games all help your child want to stay with you. Remember, happy brains are more motivated to learn!

Quick Answers

What does engagement mean for toddlers? Engagement means your child is paying attention to you and sharing attention with you during play. It's one of the first skills needed before words.

Why won't my toddler play with me? Some toddlers are wired to be on the move, sensitive to busy spaces, or slow to warm up. Following their lead and joining what they already enjoy is a great place to start.

How can I tell if my toddler is engaged? Look for eye contact, smiles, reaching for you, bringing you toys, or wanting you to do a game again.

Want to know what to look for at each age? Grab my free Speech Milestones Checklist.

All my best, Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.